


But it's hard when I hate myself

by reason33



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27215830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reason33/pseuds/reason33
Summary: Daniel confesses his love to Max, who panics and breaks the Aussie's heart. But since Max has the same feelings he tries to explain why he thinks Dan deserves someone better and why he reacted the way he did.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song "Hate Myself" by NF. I've just been in a mood lately and his music was the last bit to inspire me to write this idea, which has been on my mind for quite some time.
> 
> Be aware that this is going to be quite dark and will involve some dark topics such as physical and sexual child abuse. It's nothing graphic, but it will be a big part of this fic.

The end of the 2017 season is nearing and lately, Max has been occupying all of Daniels mind, which is why he decided to finally confess his feelings to his teammate, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, he is still way older than the dutchman and even though they have definitely become close friends, Max is still somewhat of a mystery to the Australian. Nevertheless, his heart has been screaming at him to finally open up about his feelings, which he has discovered earlier in the season. Back then he told himself that they would fade, but it's been months and they haven't, indeed they only grew stronger the more time the two teammates spend together. Many drivers told him to be careful around the dutchman, most of them distrust Jos, given the many stories circulating him, and since Max is rather shy and distanced they assume that the teenager is just like his father. Nobody quite trusts the kid, whether it be on or off track, and sometimes Daniel finds himself wondering if they're just scared or even jealous, because even though Max has made a lot of stupid mistakes, the talent is still clearly visible, probably pushing some of the other drivers even harder as they wouldn't want to be outperformed by someone who is about half their age. Daniel took the drivers' advice to heart and approached Max slower and more careful than he did with others and but as soon as they spend some time together, the dutchman seemed to trust Daniel and got out of his shell bit by bit and the closer their relationship got, the more did Daniel want to hang out with Max. Yes, he had his moments, where he could be unbearable with his ego and sometimes he acted strangely, but Daniel didn't mind, because he genuinely started to like his teammate. At the end of their first season together, he considered him a good friend, they stayed in contact over the winter break, and when testing came around and Daniel was able to get a glimpse of a relaxed and somewhat carefree Max, during a lunch break, where it was just the two of them, the Aussie noticed that his feelings seemed to grow deeper and deeper. At first, he thought it was nothing, he got something confused and in reality, he just cared for him as a good friend, but boy was he wrong. And now here he is, standing in front of Max's hotel room, fighting with himself whether or not he should actually go through with it and knock or bail and bail and stop himself from the possibility of ruining a friendship he'd grown to appreciate a lot.

Knowing that it's never good to keep your feelings bottled up inside you, he gathers all his courage to knock at his teammate's door. He can hear shuffling inside the room and after a few seconds, the door is opened and a tired-looking Max is standing in front of him, looking surprised to see Daniel.

"Hey mate, what's up?" Max asks, still seeming genuinely surprised that Daniel would visit him.

Knowing there is reason to dance around the subject, the Aussie answers: "There is something I'd like to talk to you about..."

Max opens the door and invites Daniel inside, now looking a bit anxious probably because he can sense Dan's nervousness, not wanting to let Max think through the worst-possible scenarios of why Daniel would want to talk to him, the Aussie starts talking as soon as Max closed the door and both of them took a seat on the couch and armchair decorating the hotel room.

"Look, I know I'm like older and I should probably be more experienced about this and I should know what to say because it's been on my mind for quite some time now, but I really don't know how to say this..." The Aussie starts, trying to sort his thoughts on the best way to approach this topic. Max just quietly sits there and anxiously watches him play with a loose thread on his hoody.

"Let me just tackle this head-on, okay? I feel like we had a lot of good time last year, getting used to becoming teammates and everything and I feel like it's been really great getting to know you and I feel like I know you way better than everybody on the paddock, which kinda made me feel special, to be honest about it. Fast forward this season, the time we spend together is usually the best time I have and I enjoy it as much as I love racing. Somewhere at the beginning of this season I just noticed that my feelings towards you may be a bit more than what you have for a normal friend and I've been thinking a lot about us throughout this year and I've come to terms that I really don't want to lose you and I hope that you won't hate me for what I'm about to say, but I think I fell in love with you..." 

Daniel takes a deep breath after finishing his rant and looks up to Max, waiting for his reaction and hoping it will be a good one. But instead of a smile, there is a frown sitting on Max's face, the dutchman seems uncomfortable, scared, and shocked to some extent, for a brief second Daniel could swear he can see a glimmer of hope flashing through the dutchman's eyes, but then it's replaced by hurt and pain and the Australian isn't sure he just imagined it.

"Daniel, this...I...I can't...I'm not...you shouldn't..." Max tries to come up with a coherent answer and fails miserably, but his stuttering along with the scared and hurt look on the dutchman's face is enough to break Daniel's heart.

He feels tears threatening to spill out of his eyes and quickly scrambles up, not wanting to stay here anymore. "I'm sorry...I...I shouldn't have..." is all he manages to bring out before a sob breaks out of him and he just bolts out of the room, ignoring Max shouting at him to come back. He shuts the door behind his back and starts running down the corridor, feeling as if all of his dreams had been broken by Max's rejection, as if his heart shattered inside his chest and now the pieces are floating around, ripping him apart from the inside. He is so caught up in his feelings that he doesn't watch where he is going and as he rounds the next corner he bumps into someone's chest and would've fallen flat on his butt if the person in front of him wouldn't have held his shoulders, trying to stabilize him. Without looking up, Daniel mumbles an apology and wants to get away from the person standing in front of him, when a familiar voice speaks up: "Hey Daniel, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

The Aussies head snaps up and he is met with the worried eyes of Nico, who keeps talking: "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Daniel shakes his head no, but the tears keep flowing out his eyes, blurring his vision.

"Look, I was on my way to ask you if you want to join Seb, Kimi, Lewis, and me and have a good night, but I guess we can forget about that. Do you want to go there and explain what happened, mate?"

Daniel thinks about the offer for a few seconds before nodding reluctantly. The four drivers have been some of his best friends on track, even though they could become quite protective at times. Maybe they were able to pull him out of his state of bitterness and maybe even give some advice on how to go on from here on.  
Nico frows an arm over his shoulders and starts rubbing comforting circles on his upper arm as they make their way to the other drivers...


	2. Chapter 2

The second Seb opened the door, Daniel found himself in a bone-crushing hug, while the German pulls him inside, he barely notices as Nico closes the door behind themselves and he ignores the hushed voices of Lewis and Kimi asking what had happened. He doesn't pay attention, instead, he concentrates on how he loved he feels right now. Seb somehow managed to maneuver them down and he can feel Kimi pat his back reassuringly, while his old teammate still has him pulled close to his chest. Feeling save and wanted it doesn't take long for Daniel to calm down and once his sobs had died down Seb carefully pulls away and holds the Aussie's face in his hands, forcing him to look at the German and wiping the last tears away with his thumbs.

"Talk to us, Daniel! What happened?" Lewis asks and slots down next to Sebastian, concern written all over his face.

"I...I should have listened to you..." was all he could bring out feeling tears threatening to spill out again.

"What is this about, Dan? You have to give us more than that or we can't help!" Kimi says calmly.

"I told Max that I loved him."

As soon as the sentence left Daniel's lips he could see Seb and Lewis start to frown, and he'd guess that Nico and Kimi have similar reactions, they did warn him about the teenager after all, but he didn't listen, he thought they were just overprotective and now he is here, sandwiched between his friends and crying about his broken heart.

"I reckon he didn't respond very well?" Lewis breaks the silence and Dan solemnly shakes his head.

"This little pisser, I'm gonna make his life living hell, how could he break your heart like that. Who does he think he is for taking away your smile?!" Nico explodes out of nowhere and as Daniel shifts he could see Kimi placing a comforting hand on the German's thigh and shutting him up effectively.

"What did he say? Was he being mean about it?" the Fin asks calmly.

"He seemed pretty surprised and he stuttered that he can't and that I shouldn't. I didn't really let him finish, because the expression in his eyes and those words were enough to tell me that he didn't feel the same..." the Australian explains quietly.

"Are you sure that's..." Kimi didn't get to finish his sentence as there was a soft knock on the door.

"Are you expecting someone else?" Nico asks confused and Seb simply shakes his head while Kimi gets up to open the door.

"Hey Kimi, do you know where Daniel is? I have to talk to him," Max's voice was quiet, but Daniel still heard the underlying anxiety.

"He is here, but I'm not sure he'd want to talk to you right now."

"Please Kimi, he just bailed on me before I could answer him properly. Please let me talk to him. I don't want him to be upset, but I need to explain myself. Please!" Max was full-on pleading by now and Daniel was about to say something, but Kimi beat him to it.

"Okay, come in. But we're not leaving you alone with him, just to be clear about that! And if you hurt him even more, I swear I'm not holding back, do you understand?" Dan wasn't able to hear an answer, but he guesses that Max nodded because just a moment later, the dutchman rounded the corner, his eyes widening when he spotted Dan cuddled into Sebastian's chest, the German still holding him close and Nico and Lewis are probably sending him death glares right now, but Daniel doesn't care. He only looks at Max, takes in the slightly disheveled appearance, the way the teenager fidgets with his fingers and the Australian immediately knows that Max is really anxious right now, but who can blame him?

"Hi Daniel," Max says, sounding insecure as hell.

"Hello, Max," Dan answers emotionless and he is kinda proud of himself for how cold he sounds, at least until he sees pain flashing over Max's face.

"Is...is it okay if I sit down for a moment? I feel like I need to properly answer you," Max stutters and Daniel just nods and waits for Max to speak again. He just got his heart broken, he is not in the mood of being nice right now.

The teenager sits down and keeps fidgeting with his fingers, not making eye contact with anyone, instead, he looks down and quietly says: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you like that and your confession just took me by surprise and I didn't know how to tell you that I can't be with you, because..."

"Because you don't love me, I get it," Daniel surprises himself by interrupting Max, but the dutchman's reaction surprises him even more because he locks eyes with Daniel and the Australian can see the sincerity in his eyes as he replies: "Because I don't know how to love!"

That sentence takes everyone by surprise and Daniel can even feel Seb stopping rubbing comforting circles around his shoulders.

"I don't know how to love without hurting the other one or myself in the process. I don't know how a healthy relationship looks like. I don't know if I am even capable of loving somebody or if I just break everything that gets to close. I am scared of love because I associate it with pain and anger and I don't want that anymore!"

"Max... I don't...I don't understand," Dan whispers, feeling his heart break again at the pain Max is showing him right now.

"You know, my mom wanted to leave my dad because she didn't love him anymore, but then she found out she was pregnant with me and she stayed because she wanted me to grow up in a family. He wasn't good for her, but she put me first nevertheless. And it broke her! Time went by and they started to constantly yell at each other and call the other one names, but my dad still insisted that he loved her. But when he started hitting her, she moved out. She didn't press charges thinking it was her fault and that she only aggravated him and because he was still my dad and she knew how important he was to me back then. She really hated him at the time and wanted him to pay for what he'd done to her, but she put me first, even though it hurt her even more."

Max looks down again, probably hating all the attention that was currently resting on him and pinching his left hand between his fingers to keeps himself grounded as he continued.

"During their divorce, Vic and I lived with mom and they hadn't even signed the papers when she fell in love again. Just a few weeks after we moved away from my dad. And it didn't take long until she brought her new boyfriend home with her. I didn't like the guy from the beginning and even told her so, I just had a feeling that something was off, but she just said I was selfish and didn't want her to be happy. So I just kept quiet and tried to avoid him, while my mom was head over heels in love, saying that she finally found someone who treated her right and she was so in love that she didn't notice that..." the teenager stopped and Daniel could see tears streaming down his face, while he started pinching himself harder to be able to continue.

"...that he was more into little boys than her. And I didn't understand what was wrong with him either, that was until mom left me alone with him one evening, having to pick up my sister from a friend's house. That was the first time he came into the bedroom. I was fucking 9 years old and I didn't understand what was happening while he used me for his pleasure, all while telling me how much he loved me. He told me that it's normal to hurt like that, told me that it's how love works, but that I had to keep it a secret. And I did because he made my mom happy and I thought she'd done that for me all her life and now it was my time to pay her back for all the time she stayed with dad, just for me."

Max looked up for a second and when their eyes met all he wanted to do was wrap the younger one into his arms, but he held himself back, knowing that he had to let Max finish his story.

"It took them a few more weeks to finalize the divorce, but when they did I saw an exit. I felt used and dirty and I was in pain most of the time and I just wanted it all to stop, which is why I decided to live with my dad because I couldn't take it anymore. When I told my mom, she just looked at me and said she knew that carting was always more important than her and that she isn't surprised that I wouldn't be able to see what she'd done for me. That night was the last time her boyfriend came into my bedroom and he'd been rougher than ever before, but before he left the room he turned around once more and instead of his usual 'I love you, remember that' he said that I was unloveable and that I only hurt the people around me."

Max took a small break to collect himself and the whole room stayed quiet. It wasn't until now that Daniel noticed how hard Seb was suddenly gripping his shoulder, how tense Kimi's face had gotten, how hard Lewis clenched his fists, and how Nico seemed like he wanted to punch somebody. Max's story affected them deeply and he found himself being torn between wanting to know how it continued and never wanting to hear about all the pain the teenager had to endure.

Tears were still running down Max's face as he continued: "At first, living with my dad seemed like the best thing that could've happened, but after a while, the joy of me choosing him over mom was gone and back was the angry, impatient Jos we all know. He called it tough love when he beat me or when he gave me one of his silent treatments, he said he only did it because he loved me and he said he didn't want to punish me, but it was me who brought it upon myself and I didn't only hurt myself but him by doing so."

Max raised his head to lock eyes with Daniel before saying: "All of these people, all of these stories made me believe that I was not capable of loving. I started to hate myself because everyone seemed to be happy while they're in love, but I have to fuck everything up, I either hurt me, the other person, or even both of us. That's why I can't be with you, Daniel, because you're the best person I have ever met, but if you get to close it will end in pain, like it always does when it comes to me. You deserve someone who could give you the world, and as much as I'd want to be that someone, I can't because I am simply unloveable!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This definitely turned out longer than expected so I decided to split it into three instead of two chapters.  
> Let me know what you think of it so far and have a nice day!


	3. Chapter 3

After Max stopped talking, the only sound you could hear was Max sniffing here and there. Daniel was just about to collect himself and respond to the dutchman's horrible history when Max furiously started to wipe away the tears on his face and standing up.

"I hope you can forgive me for not answering you properly earlier, but I had to sort my thoughts and you didn't really give me time. So, yeah, I hope you can find your special someone, you could probably have everyone you want anyway. And I also hope that this doesn't ruin everything because I really don't want to lose you." Max's voice was soft, carrying and it broke the pieces that were left of Daniel's heart even more and as the dutchman turned around to leave again, he quickly jumped up and grabbed the teenager's wrist. Max tensed for a second, probably before remembering that Dan would never hurt him, and then locked eyes with the Australian again.

"Don't go, Max!" Daniel started and only continued when Max relaxed the tiniest bit, so he didn't look like he would bail on the Aussie any second.

"Gosh, I don't know where to start. I'm sorry for just jumping on you like that, for expecting you to just act upon your feelings as I do. I'm sorry for bailing on you and not letting you answer, I should've known it was just a bit of a shocker to you. I'm sorry for all those horrible things that people did and said to and about you. I wish I could go back in time and stop it all from happening, but I can't. However, I'm here now and I just want the best for you, Maxy!"

The dutchman looked so young, insecure, and like he was on the verge of tears again and Daniel stopped himself to ask: "Can I hug you?" while opening his arms a bit. A hesitant look down at his arms and then back to his eyes and then Daniel found himself with a slightly shaking Max in his arms. He cradled his teammate close to his chest and could feel Max wrap his arms around his torso, his shirt also started to get damp and Daniel knew that the teenager started crying silently again.

"I don't need to find my special someone because I have him right here in my arms and I don't want to lose you either! I know it's going to be tough, but please give me chance, Max. I will have all the patience of the world, we'll go at your pace and if anything makes you uncomfortable I'll make sure to change, but I really want you to give this a chance, to give us a chance!"

The young dutchman just tightens his grip on Daniel, who takes it as encouragement and keeps going: "Let me erase all those bad memories and replace them with good ones. Let me shower you with all my love. Let me teach you what love means in my book."

He pulls back slightly and carefully takes Max's face in his hands, wiping away the tears and making eye contact: "What do you say, Maxy? Will you let me be your special someone?"

Max studies him for a second and Daniel holds his breath, hoping he was able to convince him how much he wants to give this a try. So when Max sends him a small smile and nods, before burying his face in Dan's neck again, he can't help but smile brightly, catching sight of Seb, who also has a single tear running down his face, but smiles back at him proudly.

"I'd like to be your special someone as well, but I can't promise you that I won't fuck things up, "Max's voice pipes up quietly next to his ear and Daniel places his hand on the back of Max's head.

"We'll both give our best and it's probably not going to be easy all the time, but I think we can make this work. It's okay to be scared or insecure about some things, but as long as we keep talking and working as a team I believe that we can make this work!"

This time it's Max who pulls back and locks eyes with Daniel before saying: "Thank you," and Dan immediately understands the meaning behind it, he smiles and kisses the dutchman's forehead, knowing Max understands as well.

I really hate to break your love bubble right now, but I just want to say that I'm rooting for you guys. And I also wanted to apologize to you, Max, because I think I've had a few prejudices and didn't treat you quite fairly, but I'll try to do better and if you need me, I'm here for you!" Nico breaks the silence and Max sends him a small smile and nods, probably not expecting this statement from the German, who seemed to be quite hesitant and judgemental towards him.

"We're all here for both of you, of course," Seb continues before smiling sadly: "I feel really sorry about what happened to you, Max. Nobody should've gone through something like that and if it ever gets too much and you can't talk to Daniel for whatever reason, just know that I'm here for you as well."

"I think it's safe to say that goes for all of us. We're here and we'll support you if you ever need us!" Lewis concludes and Kimi nods, staying true to himself, but sending them a small smile.

"Thank you!" Max says again and Daniel can tell he is a bit overwhelmed by all the love he is receiving right now, so he squeezes Max's shoulder and asks: "You wanna go to my room? You look like you could use some sleep and I don't wanna brag, but I'm an awesome pillow."

He grins cheekily at Max, who smiles back and nods: "Yeah, that would be nice."

They say goodbye to the others and walk towards Dan's room. The Australian keeps his arm around Max's shoulders and says: "I'll keep you safe, Maxy! And I'll do everything in my power to make you feel comfortable and maybe at some point you'll be able to think of love as a good thing! Just know that I'll give you my all because you deserve it, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another happy end, but the world is already such a dark place that I like to give everybody a happy ending, even if it takes them a while to get there.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, I'm sending love to all of you because you deserve it, everybody does!

**Author's Note:**

> I feel really sorry for hurting Dan, but I needed to do that to give Max a reason to come out of his shell in the next chapter...  
> I hope you enjoyed it and that I'll see you around again


End file.
